Sunday, July 19, 2009

Thinspiration Please!

Everybody who reads this...I want you to leave a comment with some thinspiration! I don't have nearly enough and I need something to stop me from eating!

Pictures of skinny women (or fat ones) reasons, tips, results, feelings, etc. I want it all! I need thinspiration right now because I CANNOT EAT!

I refuse!

hopefully going to not eat for a week....Maybe some soymilk or juice...but NO SOLID FOODS (if i can help it. I can't get caught though, so I will eat if my parents of friends make me)

Anyway, that's all I have for now. Please, give me some thinspiration!!


stay empty...

Thursday, July 16, 2009


I need to get a grip. I have lost everything and regained it back.
My one cheat day turned into three. And then, I convinced myself I was going to get better. I should have known, Ana would always come back.
As much as I tried to push her away by eating, I was still hungry and it took me three days to realize I was hungry for the emptiness, craving that hollow feeling. I have that feeling now and it's amazing.
I only gained one pound, not sure why though. I was eating non-stop, even when I wasn't hungry. But now that stops, again. The empty feeling feels absolutely amazing, it lifts my spirits higher and lets me know that I can still go back.

I'm not even sure what normal portion sizes are anymore. Was I eating normally? Too much? Too little (as if that's possible) ?

Anyway, thanks Cat and 24 for your comments. I don't feel as if I deserved Ana the past couple of days but we have reunited and I am back, hopefully much stronger. Your comments have also helped me comeback, regain the strength to remain empty.

Anyway, nothing new for now. I am not eating...just drinking lots of water (i've been suffering from headaches) and fidgeting a lot. Fidgeting (bouncing your foot up and down, tapping your fingers, etc) burns up to EIGHT HUNDRED calories a day. I don't do it nearlye nough to burn that many, but it's still inspiring.

Don't worry...I am back fro good and stronger than ever.


stay empty....

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Cheat Days

Everybody's got to have them at some point. Well, maybe not the strongest of the strong, but I do anyway. And better to have ONE cheat day (aka eat normal) than to have a huge binge sometime later.

Today was a cheat day, and I actually don't feel too bad. It was all healthy, it wasn't like I had tons of junk food. And that should get my metabolism up and running for the next few days, which is going to be about 550 calories a day of yogurt and fruit and granola and things...along with tons of excercising. After that I'll fast for maybe three days, go back to the 'Organic Diet' and depending on my weight then I'll either continue with Organic Diet and fast again, or have another Cheat Day.

Today I was 115 again. Not bad, considering I ate. I'm also naturally blessed with a fast metabolism so it makes it easier to not gain weight when I eat, just stay around 115.

Along with the Organic Diet, I am going to start making sure I am healthy and clean and pure on the inside and out. That means becoming more obsessive and controlling over drinking eight cups of water a day, so I get nice skin AND flush out toxins. Also, my multi-vitamin everyday, obviously, and washing my face twice a day, brushing my teeth extra hard and flossing, mouthwash, etc. Maybe I'll start Yoga too, that's supposed to be relaxing AND a good way to burn calories and get fit. Also just trying to relax more. It's summer, and I really need to stop worrying about everything and just chill. Relax, calm down, and stick to a healthy organic LOW CALORIE diet. No more junk food for me until I've lost at least five pounds.

I pledge to treat my body with respect from now on, and then maybe it will cooperate when I try to lose weight. And I might be happier with a healthier life-style.

Thanks for listening guys!


stay empty...

Thursday, July 9, 2009


First off, thank you Cat for your comments. I agree it was totally inappropriate and unprofessional for her to be talking about me like that.

Second off, today I am going to talk about what is ABSOLUTELY necessary so we do not die. If you die from Ana, then you were not strong enough. Being strong is finding the right combination; living with the disease but not dying from it. So here are some things to help you stay healthy AND skinny:

-WATER- we need water to survive. If you are scared of water weight, you're just stupid and you WILL die. It has zero calories, and drinking cold water BURNS calories. And since we get a lot of water in food, when we stop eating we get dehydrated. Dehydrated means DEAD. So drink up!

-Vitamins and Minerals. Take a muti-vitamin every day. I mean it. It can act as an appetite suppressent to reduce cravings, which is good in itself, but also if you want to look REALLY good, you need to be goreous AND skinny. The way to do this is get enough vitamins. They will keep your skin, hair, and teeth nice.

-Protein. You NEED protein, especially if you excercise. Some good protein sources with minimal calories are unsalted, unflavored almonds and other nuts. Also soymilk is a great source, and if you look at one of my earlier posts, called soymilk (June), you will see all the other great things soymilk does for you. I could live off soymilk (and at times I do!)

So those are the NECESSASRY THINGS. Obviously a certain amount of food is necessary too, but I'll let you guys figure that out on your own for now. Eat to live, but don't live to eat.

thanks again Cat for your comments!


stay empty...

Party and Parents

The party was extremely difficult. I was surrounded by Cheetos, Doritos, Pizza, and Brownies. How much does the world hate me?

NOT TO MENTION that my parents have been getting on my case, asking me what I know about eating disorders, saying I've lost weight, buying me crap to eat. It's awful ESPECIALLY since I've been eating like a PIG and they have NO RIGHT to worry!!!!

AND my teacher brought my name up in a conversation about Ana. Someone told me about it.

WHAT???? WHY???? I am a healthy 115 pounds (thats my weight after the party; i only gained one pound thankfully!)

but I mean, why do they NOT notice when I'm fasting and shrinking down to 108, but then when I'm eating and 114 or 115, they notice notice notice.

Anyway I had to eat normal at the party, because I couldn't afford to have another person get on my case. So I consumed about 1000 delicious calories that I COULDNT EVEN PUKE!

They were delicious but added to the blubber that surrounds my stomach, legs, soft double chin, arms, EVERYTHING!

I must get them off. I'll go to the gym and bike for an hour and a half or so...its so much easier than running and tones your legs. Running burns more calories quicker and is ultimately better and maybe I'll run for fifteen minutes or so, but I enjoy biking more. I can bring a book and read!

must go now...right away


stay empty....

Monday, July 6, 2009


Okay so I am terrified my hair is going to fall out from purging so much! And that my teeth will rot...and various other things.

Apparently those all happen.

I used to say that none of the negative side affects would ever happen to me because I wasn't that bad....i didnt have a real problem so i wasn't at risk.

But I am....i purge a lot. I like to eat, I love the feeling of eating.

i can't just not eat and it's awful.

I went to the gym today....its awful. I want to be skinny! Why can't I just be skinny and tiny???

I'm having a small party tommorow night...which is sure to make for an interesting post. Especially since party means junk food. I'm not to be trusted with junk food...i love to eat.

So I'll let you know how that goes.

Thanks to my first comment from 24, thanks so much lovelie! Good luck to you too! You have given me thinspiration!


stay empty

Monday, June 29, 2009


God, I hate puking.

Actually, I hate the thought of it. I mean, I don't like DOING it either but it's not that bad.

But afterward you're like "oh i just stuck my middle finger down my throat a bajillion times until whatever food/drink I consumed in the past hour or so came up into the toilet bowl."

Not to mention all the super gross parts of it no one mentions....such as-

-the way food feels coming up your throat. The surging wave. Depending on what you ate and how long ago it's either warm and thick or cold and slimy. EW

-When it splashes in the water and sometimes splashes up on your arm or chest or whatever and it's like EW.

-The puke still on your finger since you have to have your finger down your throat WHILE it's being rejected from your stomach and hurled violently into the toilet bowl.

-Of course, the smell and taste....

But, here are some TIPS (not that anything will make this ANY easier) for those times when you just HAVE to puke (although try to as little as possible...the stomach acid is BRUTAL on your teeth and just in general it can mess up your body)

-Drink carbonated drinks during the binge. Diet Coke is my personal favorite but anything carbonated works too

-Color-code the binges. Eat cheetos first, or something with distinctive color or taste, so you know when you've thrown everything up.

Seriously though....puking will make your hair fall out, your skin awful, your throat hurt, and much much more....

just don't eat in the first place! :)


keep starving....



Today I have had two glasses of soymilk. One for breakfast, one for lunch. I was going to do a water diet but as much as I want to lose weight, I REFUSE to let my teeth rot. I WILL get enough calcium from milk because I want a nice smile! Plus, soymilk has protein which gives me the strength to fast. And other various health benefits.

Soymilk is a life saver. Depending on my weight before 'dinner' I'll either have another glass of soymilk, or a glass of chocolate milk which has more calories BUT more fiber and protein.

If I'm under 115 I'll have chocolate milk. If not, soymilk again.

Soymilk is my new obsession. I just hope that the calories don't get too high. I mean, it's liquid so it can't be that bad right?

Maybe after a day or two of LIQUID diet (milk, juice, coffee, anything liquid) I'll do two days WATER diet. If I'm strong enough.

Todays weight: 116.


Sunday, June 28, 2009

Some thoughts....

I have so many thoughts jumbling around at once inside my tiny skull container that it's insane! That's one of the reasons I've written three posts today, and may write more more more. This is my way to let out all my....blah....and have maybe somebody (although nobody's looked at it yet *sniff*) read it and maybe relate.
One of my problems is always feeling like I'm alone, like no one else is feeling this way. Like no one else could understand. But that is sooo immature because thousands of girls, and even guys, feel like I do everyday. People DO understand, and I don't give people enough credit at all.

So here is a safe place (finally) to let it all out.

I have been battling 'ana' and 'mia' for awhile now. Three years mentally, about a year and a half physically. And yet, it's been such an uphill battle. It is hell. Every week, including the last week, I find new mountains that come with this lifestyle that are extremely difficult. It's a sometimes lonely climb, which I suspect is one of the many reasons that 'ana' and 'mia' are classified as people, girls. It helps with the loneliness to know that she, or they, are doing it with you, pushing you.

I could not bear to live with it on my conscience that someone has gotten sicker from my blog (that is if anybody ever reads it.) If you are not already battling these demons, please do not 'attempt' to. Leave now please. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, could or would ever want to CHOOSE to be anorexic and/or bulimic. It chooses us. And if you are not already suffering this torment, consider yourself lucky and focus on living a happy lifestyle.

I, unfortunately, although I try to deny it more and more everyday, have some problem. Whether or not it's full-on anorexia or bulmia, I am not sure. I no longer am sure of what a normal portion is, if what I'm doing is normal. I convince myself that I do not have a problem, but more and more everyday that's becoming untrue.

Weight, my weight, is the only thing constantly on my mind. If there is one thing I can rely on in my life, it's that I will always be thinking in some way shape or form about weight. Not a day, not an hour goes by when I do not think about Ana or Mia. They are constantly in the shadows of my mind.


Tommorow is a family birthday, which means most likely we'll be eating out. If I fast until then, eat enough to seem normal and get my metabolism running, then fast for four days, that should be good. Because then I'm going on a mini-roadtrip with the family, meaning I might be forced to eat.

My goal as of right now is to weigh 112 by the time I see my best friend again. I'm going to see her Thursday (today is Sunday) and that's five pounds, or whereabouts. Five pounds in four days? That's extreme even for me but I'll try!

And believe me, my lovelies. You will be there EVERY step of the way.

Thanks for listening....


my legs and other huge things

Hello lovelies....
As you can tell by the title, I am writing about my legs and other big things.
When I'm standing up, my legs are okay. A little jiggly, but mostly alright. I'll work on them. BUT when I'm sitting down and they're flattened...they look HUGE! Does anybody else feel like this? Just the sight enough makes me want to puke whatever I've digested within the past twenty-four hours. They are just the grossest thing.

Other huge things? My stomach, the jiggle under my arms and my soft double chin. MY APPETITE!

I have a huge appetite. I love to eat. One of the reasons I'm a puker sometimes, because I just love to eat (and eat and eat.)

My mother is coming home soon soon soon so i must go, but I'll talk to you later.



Hello my lovelies!

Welcome to my blog. As you mmay have guessed, it is what some may call "pro-ana."

Just to clarify, I do not recomend anorexia to anyone.

But, if you are disordered with anorexia or bulimia, you will find support and my personal experiences here.

Can't talk much now but hello to everybody and talk to you soon!

Current weight: 118.