Monday, June 29, 2009


God, I hate puking.

Actually, I hate the thought of it. I mean, I don't like DOING it either but it's not that bad.

But afterward you're like "oh i just stuck my middle finger down my throat a bajillion times until whatever food/drink I consumed in the past hour or so came up into the toilet bowl."

Not to mention all the super gross parts of it no one mentions....such as-

-the way food feels coming up your throat. The surging wave. Depending on what you ate and how long ago it's either warm and thick or cold and slimy. EW

-When it splashes in the water and sometimes splashes up on your arm or chest or whatever and it's like EW.

-The puke still on your finger since you have to have your finger down your throat WHILE it's being rejected from your stomach and hurled violently into the toilet bowl.

-Of course, the smell and taste....

But, here are some TIPS (not that anything will make this ANY easier) for those times when you just HAVE to puke (although try to as little as possible...the stomach acid is BRUTAL on your teeth and just in general it can mess up your body)

-Drink carbonated drinks during the binge. Diet Coke is my personal favorite but anything carbonated works too

-Color-code the binges. Eat cheetos first, or something with distinctive color or taste, so you know when you've thrown everything up.

Seriously though....puking will make your hair fall out, your skin awful, your throat hurt, and much much more....

just don't eat in the first place! :)


keep starving....



Today I have had two glasses of soymilk. One for breakfast, one for lunch. I was going to do a water diet but as much as I want to lose weight, I REFUSE to let my teeth rot. I WILL get enough calcium from milk because I want a nice smile! Plus, soymilk has protein which gives me the strength to fast. And other various health benefits.

Soymilk is a life saver. Depending on my weight before 'dinner' I'll either have another glass of soymilk, or a glass of chocolate milk which has more calories BUT more fiber and protein.

If I'm under 115 I'll have chocolate milk. If not, soymilk again.

Soymilk is my new obsession. I just hope that the calories don't get too high. I mean, it's liquid so it can't be that bad right?

Maybe after a day or two of LIQUID diet (milk, juice, coffee, anything liquid) I'll do two days WATER diet. If I'm strong enough.

Todays weight: 116.


Sunday, June 28, 2009

Some thoughts....

I have so many thoughts jumbling around at once inside my tiny skull container that it's insane! That's one of the reasons I've written three posts today, and may write more more more. This is my way to let out all my....blah....and have maybe somebody (although nobody's looked at it yet *sniff*) read it and maybe relate.
One of my problems is always feeling like I'm alone, like no one else is feeling this way. Like no one else could understand. But that is sooo immature because thousands of girls, and even guys, feel like I do everyday. People DO understand, and I don't give people enough credit at all.

So here is a safe place (finally) to let it all out.

I have been battling 'ana' and 'mia' for awhile now. Three years mentally, about a year and a half physically. And yet, it's been such an uphill battle. It is hell. Every week, including the last week, I find new mountains that come with this lifestyle that are extremely difficult. It's a sometimes lonely climb, which I suspect is one of the many reasons that 'ana' and 'mia' are classified as people, girls. It helps with the loneliness to know that she, or they, are doing it with you, pushing you.

I could not bear to live with it on my conscience that someone has gotten sicker from my blog (that is if anybody ever reads it.) If you are not already battling these demons, please do not 'attempt' to. Leave now please. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, could or would ever want to CHOOSE to be anorexic and/or bulimic. It chooses us. And if you are not already suffering this torment, consider yourself lucky and focus on living a happy lifestyle.

I, unfortunately, although I try to deny it more and more everyday, have some problem. Whether or not it's full-on anorexia or bulmia, I am not sure. I no longer am sure of what a normal portion is, if what I'm doing is normal. I convince myself that I do not have a problem, but more and more everyday that's becoming untrue.

Weight, my weight, is the only thing constantly on my mind. If there is one thing I can rely on in my life, it's that I will always be thinking in some way shape or form about weight. Not a day, not an hour goes by when I do not think about Ana or Mia. They are constantly in the shadows of my mind.


Tommorow is a family birthday, which means most likely we'll be eating out. If I fast until then, eat enough to seem normal and get my metabolism running, then fast for four days, that should be good. Because then I'm going on a mini-roadtrip with the family, meaning I might be forced to eat.

My goal as of right now is to weigh 112 by the time I see my best friend again. I'm going to see her Thursday (today is Sunday) and that's five pounds, or whereabouts. Five pounds in four days? That's extreme even for me but I'll try!

And believe me, my lovelies. You will be there EVERY step of the way.

Thanks for listening....


my legs and other huge things

Hello lovelies....
As you can tell by the title, I am writing about my legs and other big things.
When I'm standing up, my legs are okay. A little jiggly, but mostly alright. I'll work on them. BUT when I'm sitting down and they're flattened...they look HUGE! Does anybody else feel like this? Just the sight enough makes me want to puke whatever I've digested within the past twenty-four hours. They are just the grossest thing.

Other huge things? My stomach, the jiggle under my arms and my soft double chin. MY APPETITE!

I have a huge appetite. I love to eat. One of the reasons I'm a puker sometimes, because I just love to eat (and eat and eat.)

My mother is coming home soon soon soon so i must go, but I'll talk to you later.



Hello my lovelies!

Welcome to my blog. As you mmay have guessed, it is what some may call "pro-ana."

Just to clarify, I do not recomend anorexia to anyone.

But, if you are disordered with anorexia or bulimia, you will find support and my personal experiences here.

Can't talk much now but hello to everybody and talk to you soon!

Current weight: 118.