Sunday, June 28, 2009

Some thoughts....

I have so many thoughts jumbling around at once inside my tiny skull container that it's insane! That's one of the reasons I've written three posts today, and may write more more more. This is my way to let out all my....blah....and have maybe somebody (although nobody's looked at it yet *sniff*) read it and maybe relate.
One of my problems is always feeling like I'm alone, like no one else is feeling this way. Like no one else could understand. But that is sooo immature because thousands of girls, and even guys, feel like I do everyday. People DO understand, and I don't give people enough credit at all.

So here is a safe place (finally) to let it all out.

I have been battling 'ana' and 'mia' for awhile now. Three years mentally, about a year and a half physically. And yet, it's been such an uphill battle. It is hell. Every week, including the last week, I find new mountains that come with this lifestyle that are extremely difficult. It's a sometimes lonely climb, which I suspect is one of the many reasons that 'ana' and 'mia' are classified as people, girls. It helps with the loneliness to know that she, or they, are doing it with you, pushing you.

I could not bear to live with it on my conscience that someone has gotten sicker from my blog (that is if anybody ever reads it.) If you are not already battling these demons, please do not 'attempt' to. Leave now please. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, could or would ever want to CHOOSE to be anorexic and/or bulimic. It chooses us. And if you are not already suffering this torment, consider yourself lucky and focus on living a happy lifestyle.

I, unfortunately, although I try to deny it more and more everyday, have some problem. Whether or not it's full-on anorexia or bulmia, I am not sure. I no longer am sure of what a normal portion is, if what I'm doing is normal. I convince myself that I do not have a problem, but more and more everyday that's becoming untrue.

Weight, my weight, is the only thing constantly on my mind. If there is one thing I can rely on in my life, it's that I will always be thinking in some way shape or form about weight. Not a day, not an hour goes by when I do not think about Ana or Mia. They are constantly in the shadows of my mind.


Tommorow is a family birthday, which means most likely we'll be eating out. If I fast until then, eat enough to seem normal and get my metabolism running, then fast for four days, that should be good. Because then I'm going on a mini-roadtrip with the family, meaning I might be forced to eat.

My goal as of right now is to weigh 112 by the time I see my best friend again. I'm going to see her Thursday (today is Sunday) and that's five pounds, or whereabouts. Five pounds in four days? That's extreme even for me but I'll try!

And believe me, my lovelies. You will be there EVERY step of the way.

Thanks for listening....


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